Writing Crime Fiction Mugs

'Why do I rob banks? Because that's where the money is!'

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"Puss in cement boots"

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

The Philip Marlow family

'I'm sure that the autopsy will confirm it was a suicide.'

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

'Mark my word, Walters, this is no ordinary virus.'

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

Fred Dinsdale - Forensic expert.

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

I always forget - Are we supposed to tip?

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

Snow Crime

"You probably would have gotten away with draining the bank account except for one mistake. . . you signed all the checks with the cat's name."

Dog detectives

"This, Yorik... Do you know him well?"

"Let's just enjoy our holiday. The whole incident with your stalker is over now. We won't see him again."

Cosa Nostradamus: "Listen, you mook. I predict if you don't pay the vig to the Don by tonight you'll be at the bottom of the Hudson by morning."

Man reading 'How not to get caught.'

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

'There's my place. Technically it's still a crime scene, but you're more than welcome to traipse through it.'

"Yes, I was using my mobile whilst driving... I was calling the police to tell them I was chasing a gang of bank robbers!"

"Undiagnosed serial killer"

"Say, Chief, any progress on the pencil case?"

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

'Try to think of this as a learning experience.'

Mafia Family Life: 'I'm sorry dear - but I had to bring some work home!'

"Oh, that three billion dollars."