Workplace Wit Fan Prints

The boss is world famous for his profound analysis of human nature, but to work here all you need to know one grunt is yes and two is no.

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

A paperwork machine spews endless paperwork

"This position has become very important to the company."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

How are you at decision making?

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

Sales Secretary

'Be a sweetie and get me a cup of coffee!'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

"You're probably wondering why I called you. It's because I accidentally butt dialed you."

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"Hate to see you leave—you were my favorite puppet."

If your ideas are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration...

"You're late, Myers!"

'Your bonus as promised.'

'No good deed goes unpunished around here.'