Wordsmith Wordplay Pillows

"The working title needs work."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Zombie standup

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

Campaign for Plain English

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

Thru versus Through Traffic

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

Torturing the English Language

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"Meet The Author"

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Do me next."

"She's been so creative lately."