Word Games Wizard Pillows

'The foozler used a teraohm to relume his stogey.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

I will study my speling words...

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

'Do you have any catsup?'

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"That's it. We’re toast."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted