Wit And Sarcasm Fan Prints

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

The Snarky District

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Beware of Falling Notice.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I lettered in spelling."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

Alarmistclock

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"