Wisenheimer Appreciator Pillows

"He was sold to me as a Weimaraner but I really think he's more of a Wisenheimer."

"Of course I'm aware of reality! I mean, we met in St. Thomas, got engaged in Austria, announced it in London and now we're getting married in the Flatbush Jewish Center!"

'It has been revealed that a senior politician will criticise something in a speech. Later they will criticise the opposite of something, just in case.'

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

Einstein's T-Shirt Reads: I'm with Stupid (Arrows point everywhere).

"Come off it, you're not working from dawn till dusk: You're working at dawn and at dusk..."

'Now that's what I call a beautiful fit.'

'Whoever wants my job must lift the sword from the stone.'

The Stat-ewe of Liberty.

Mt. Tushmore

Been in advertising long?

Don't Try Anything Funny.

'I'm jumping into a black hole!'

Painting the Sistine Chapel. 1508. 1509. 1510. 1511. 1512. It looks great, Michelangelo, but there's one thing I don't understand. Why didn't you just paint it in the regular way and then mount it on the ceiling?

Heaven Has VIP

The World Will Overheat and End Next Week: Like, will it be on You Tube?

'When I asked for a bottle of house red...'

Michelangelo's David

"Have you got it in beige?"

The Meaning of Humour

Noah's Ark Being Towed.

Einstein's brain.

"Are we admiring a sunrise or a sunset?"

Sword swallower's groin extends as if its the sword

'I had a house for that price, but it sold in 1962.'

"Obviously we'd have loved to help, but there were so MANY other calls on the public purse!"

"Sam, this is Willie Zimmer, whose quiet authority informs the mailroom."

"He never fit in, so this is how he wanted to be remembered."

The Same Old Era.

'Has this one got cavity walls?' 'Only since the rats moved in.'

Perspective Repair

The prop department forgot to put a fly in my soup. In fact, they forgot to put soup in my bowl. That's because comic-strip readers can't see inside your bowl. This is called acting. Look into it.

'This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This only a test.'

"Not you again! I've told you before, your case has gone to appeal and you should hear something in the next two to three thousand years."

"I forgot my safe word."