Wildlife Humorist Gifts

"Well, I was hoping this might scare the other squirrels away from the bird feeders...but they seem to have made me their king!"

"The hell with natural selection..."

Bear toilet.

'Dan sculpted the shrubs to look like hunters to keep the deer from eating them.'

"Wear the leopard-print underwear."

Instead of hunting gazelle tonight, let's call maintenance, say we have a short and eat the electrician when he arrives.

Burmese pythons discussing a complete invasion.

After biologists draw blood samples and record vital statistics, the rugby player is tagged and released.

'You're driving a stolen vehicle, you've got a dead hunter in the trunk... Whoa! And your driver's license is expired!?'

'Me, a duck hunter? Shucks, no, I'm a musician. Wanna hear me play 'Swannee River' on my duck caller?'

Snake; 'Don't have a hissy fit!'

'Holy S**t!'

"I'm hungry, Dear. How about opening a can of worms."

Lion with hair straighteners.

"I don't know anything about forest fires. I ate a ranger."

'Pray for me.'

The Roadrunner

'Lets have a look at that duck call, Al.'

'You sure you want to let him use that? I hear hippos kill more humans than lions.'

Justin Beaver...

Man reading a newspaper. Trophy head of giraffe reading over his shoulder.

"I get the whole 'predator/prey' thing. I just think taking a selfie with Bob is being a little insensitive."

'We like to call them 'bears', Higgins.'

"Stop complaining, this is going to hurt me more than you!"

'Yes, the baboon butts are supposed to look like that, you ignorant hicks.'

'I didn't have time to hunt'

'Are you sure this is the way we do it'

'I don't see how you can breathe through that thing - it's so small!'

'This will teach them to clean up after themselves after they camp in our woods!'

'Gotta go, Lew, lunch just arrived and I want to beat the frenzy.'

'Oh, I guarantee your date will smell this one.'

"Ever feel a teensy bit guilty when they're a vegan?"

"Don't believe everything you read."

'Some day, son, all of these will be yours.'

'Natural selection - 'Hi - I'm gnu here.''