Weekly Service Prints

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

I hate monday mornings.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"...and in conclusion..."

Sermon Applause.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"