Wedding Oracle Pillows

"I don't know who my audience is."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

This is forever... till death do us part...

Wikipedia...

"Take your time. Do you see the person who made you wear that dress?"

"You are going to have lots of puppies."

The Authentic Christmas.

The End of the Property Boom is Nigh.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

"I warned you not to buy your top hat and tails from that ex magician!"

Hipster Police Department

'Guide us, oh Webmaster.'

"The Great Source keeps afloat, along with a little help from the sharks there."

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"I'm looling for ground beef that's organic, non-GMO, and doesn't contain meat."

They call me the Groundhog of Love. Romantically speaking, I can bring you an early spring. But if you see my shadow, you can expect six weeks of stalking.

Wedding Invites

'Yes! I can tell you why these two shouldn't be married. They stole those outfits from my formal wear store!'

I told you way back in 2015 that Donald Trump would be the next president. You called it. You predicted every twist and turn of the election. It was eerie. What's going to happen next, Randy? What's going to happen to us all? Trump will fund research where they use my DNA to make everyone super hot and super chill, and we'll all live in sweet, sexy bliss. HOJ. I'm not sure whether I predicted the future, or whether the future obeyed me. So that one's just in case. Good thinking.

"Why do you want to invest in oil futures?"

'Looks like the income off of our site has went from passive to comatose.'

Palmist Alarmist - Uh ooooh!

"It's asking for your password."

"Baldo, being a newspaper critic isn't all about being negative. You have to find positive things to say too."

The Death Fires (The Rime of the Ancient Mariner).

'The views expressed are not necessarily those of management. Although it's obvious my cameraman couldn't agree more.'

"I've just married your uncle Leonard, and I'm looking forward to your support."

"Stay with me. I just want to cross-check your fortune with a quick Google search."

"Im so sorry, he's at a symposium in New Jersey."

"Why don't you see a good dermatologist?"

"I think the onset of my insanity was a cold wet day in September 1952 my wedding day..."

"My mistress loves me alright: I was the ring-bearer at her wedding..."

'I don't do palms anymore... let me see your I-pod.'