Wannabe Local Mugs

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

"Well if I can't be a cowboy I'll be a lawyer for cowboys."

New Guy.

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

As Seen On TV

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

Your Palm

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

A young boy shaving

In-law country

Dave's new nail gun revived the childhood ambitions he'd had before realizing that he could earn more as a carpenter than as a hero.

'Be reasonable, son - even Santa couldn't get a horse into a box THAT size!'

Trying to thumb his nose at authority, Lumpy stuck his thumb in his eye! Man covering eye with his hand.

What he really hoped to be someday was a TV news anchor.

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

'But look, Sire -- a whole lot of people have you down as their fifth choice!'

'I'm not getting any hits!' 'Bloggers can't be choosers.'

"Carry yourself like everyone knows you, ad everyone you meet will feel like they should know you."

"I've got a part in a soap."

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"

"I can grant you three fishes."

"Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy, but what I want is power of attorney!"