Wannabe Doctor Prints

"So Dr. Gracie...how are your patients today?"

"It was Socrates, wasn't it, who said, 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?"

As Seen On TV

'How long do you think it will take to heal?'

'I'll be talking gibberish to you in a moment. There's a big tip in it for you, if you pretend I'm speaking French.'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Playing Doctors.

"Well, I thought of it as an innovative economic stimulus package, but the jury insisted on calling it securities fraud!"

'I'm hoping that this will take off and I will earn enough to pay my way through medical school some day.'

Wisdom for dummies

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

'I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but according to these results your womb is extremely inhospitable, and your husband's sperm is gay.'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"Let's face it Simkins, the only way you'll ever get to medical school is by donating your body to science."

"Why would anyone hire a barrister, anyone can talk...I'm taking on my own case just as soon as I finish this triple by-pass."

Having a varied diet doesn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'kwiknoodles'.

'Dad, I want to be a doctor like you when I grow up!'

'I'd have to say you've been exposed to extremely high levels of polyester.'

"Doctor, have you any advice to offer a young man who would love to be a physician but whose crowded schedule simply doesn't permit time for medical school?"

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

'I love you, Mom, but I'm going to live with the Obamas now and be the first son.'

"Well, if we're playing tackle football I'll be the coach!"

The Island

After the cutbacks at flight simulator school. . .

Iran shoots itself.

"I've got a part in a soap."

"My Dad would like to borrow a cup of milk...and a cook book."

This new dogcatcher seems rather suffic efficient

"I'm thinking of forming a cult, Doreen."

"Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy, but what I want is power of attorney!"

"Empty, like the last six joints you cased. Man, don't give up your day job."