Wand Wielder Pillows

Airport Security. Just pass the wand over them, Ernie. Keep your "abracadabras" to yourself.

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"River well stocked this year."

"This realm isn't big enough for both of our killer outfits."

"It's such a nice day. Why don't you go outside and plagiarize something?"

Emma Watson

"Gosh! Look what he's done to his Harry Potter books..."

"Wait a minute. Where am I going? I'm a writer."

Forrest Gander

Shepherd

Magicians monkey.

'What's the situation about new wands these days?' - 'You can't beat 'compare wands.com.'

The sword is mightier than the pen.

House Plant Party

'Meet the Author'/'Meet the Plagiarist' - An Author and a Plagiarist selling and signing the same book story and title.

Ask me about my uppercut.

The Diet Fairy is here to grant you three dishes. . . as long as they're under 350 calories each.

'If you can smile when everything around you is going wrong... you're probably in the repair business!'

'He was a darn fine mechanic.'

"I'd like to request a transfer from the children's ward."

'If you were a carp where would you go?'

"He was right. . . He really did have a novel in him."

"It's worse than I thought."

"With a wave of my magic wand, I declare all government programs free."

Writer Crisis

I love hockey!

'I'm here to test the magic 8-ball.'

Bubba gets Carpal Funnel Syndrome.

Little did Fred know that he was igniting a corporate paper wad fight that would eventually cost the company 629 million in lost production time and force the closure of 21 branch offices.

'They say that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste!'

'You've take up the violin at 76? Must be hell for those living at 74 and 78...'

John Henry

"No problems with the wheel, but this fire thing is going to be a tough sell to the Consumer Product Safety Commission."

Truck Repairs

"I am not a vengeful man, but I do enjoy a touch of retribution now and then."