Voicemail Humor Fans Prints

"Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about your general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

Hello, Susie, it's R

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

Cold caller.

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

iPhone Senior

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

'A real person's answered it. I hate that. I'll call back when their voicemail's activated.'

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Vocal Fry

'I'm on the train.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

You only do text. I do text AND voicemail.

'Oh - you're there! I was hoping I could just leave a message.'

'I won't be in to work today... I woke up with a bug.'

Willie Nelson, hold music.

"This is the voicemail of Michel Barnier.For angry drunk ranting, press 1. For separate, weepy pleading, press 2. To just sorta breathe heavily into the phone for an extended period, press 3."

"Hello, is that the Samaritans?"

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."