Visiting Gardens Pillows

Titan Arum

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

Gardener clipping topiary stairs

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Thanks

Art Gallery.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

Private Viewing

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

"That must be the artist over there."

"This piece resembles my subconscious desire to draw spirals on a big piece of paper."

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

Champagne

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

Francoise Gilot

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

"It's a great work!"

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

'You're no Pollock.'

The less one gets it, the more it's art.

Understanding art.

"While, yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

Jackson Pollock - "Oh no! Someone's thrown paint all over it!"

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

'Of course this makes your old masters al look now so very contrived.'

Tracey Emin's Bed

Joseph Furphy and Miles Franklin.

"Is this 'pollocks'."