Virtue Philosopher Pillows

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Okay - who leaked?'

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

'I wonder if there's a message up there somewhere.'

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

"Looting and plundering! Looting and plundering! There must be more to life!...."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

Yogi back in 5.

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

Maybe I'd better write a thank you letter for the Last Supper after all

Women

"Some day, son, all these aches and pains will be yours."

Who's Dead

Priest