Viral Irony Fan Gifts

Swine flu.

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

Gigolo Diary

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

It's my manifesto on living "off the grid," mainly compiled from my blog, tweets and Facebook posts.

'I'd like a brandy please...'

Ingoldsby Legends - Impious Bishop Robert of Birchington

The Visitor

The Flus Brothers

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

"If I get this phone completed, fire will follow."

Man: 'What the...?!' / 404 ERROR!

'Soccer hooligans, majesty! Thousands of them! We're doomed!'

"Pay no attention to Brian, he's always playing the victim."

'I don't think it's a good idea to put the fact that though you've been indicted seven times, but you've only been convicted twice on your 'About' page.'

Infographic depiction of how everything works.

'There's a guy out here who wants to kill the messenger.'

'I wonder why women live longer than men.'

"Looks like an advanced version of the bird flu."

"Apologies but I can't see any patients today."

A Mexican Wave.

www.hopeless-assassin.com. Hits 0.

"Dad, where did you get the name Baldo?"