Video Store Clerk Prints

'With every DVD you get a free newspaper!'

"If we ain't got it, it ain't worth watching"

'I'm sorry I don't date during sweeps week.'

'He wanted to know if anyone had ever brought out a keep-fat video.'

"The DVD you want is on my right earlobe."

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

'Sorry sir,but we can't just take your word that the boots leak'

"It's felt to be his most thought provoking work."

"Not much in the way of loot, but we got a ton of store credit."

'No, I'm afraid we don't have calendars in dog-years.'

'Take it easy, the textbooks will be here. It's only August 30.'

"Do you have anything by The Damned."

A man sitting in the grass reading

'We couldn't give away black-and-white TVs until we started advertising them as having 'non multi-color capability'.'

'Why would a just God allow so many teenage vampire movies?'

University Book Store.

'You mean that I have to carry them to my car?'

"Your receipt is also available in a choice of colors."

Self-Improvement, Self-Empowerment, Self-Aggrandizement

"Do you have anything else by the same author?"

'I want to return this wallet. I can't seem to keep any money in it.'

"Do you carry any shampoos that have been tested on little kittens?"

Clown applying mustard to balloon hotdog.

"Because it's got a goddam crack in it, that's why."

"Everybody's a comedian. When I asked the clerk if he had this size bolt, he laughed and asked, 'What are you - some kind of nut?'"

'Do you have any duck tape?'

"What's wrong with you? This isn't what I want! Do you know what you're doing? Can you get me a smarter clerk?"

'Does my posterior appear oversized in this?'

"Would you really want to read a book by a comedian that didn't have wide margins?"

Do It Yourself Stores: Help Wanted

"Do you have any why-to books?"

'I think I see your problem. You didn't use the swear words listed in the assembly instructions.'

Book Shop

"Hey, bro...it's the least I could do."

'It's not quite ready now, but come 2285, you'll be glad you waited.'