Unexpected Staycatitioner Pillows

"Two years at home Son, and all you've earned is points on my credit card."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

The cell phone soother for life.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Pregnant Cheerleaders,

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Balloon drip.

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'Very funny!'

'Popovitch, nobody laughed about you until you fell off the ladder and got trampled down by the elephants. I want you to do that every evening.'

En garde!

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Not only do I have a black belt in karate, I also have a husband in the hospital to prove it!'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"Hey, I got you a beautiful orchid to cheer you up until it turns into just a stick protruding from dirt."

"The doctor was more lucid today! That's a good sign!"