Tv Cynic Mugs

'Everything is illusory, but television is ESPECIALLY illusory.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

Obama builds own gallows.

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

The first accurate poll.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"So much for the news, now for the corrections."

'It's like home from home, really-rubbish telly, lousy grub..'

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: CLEAN UNDERWEAR

Cornucopia Prime

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

'Never read it,mate-too much doom and gloom in it!'

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

"Am I covered for the brain cell damage caused by your TV commercials?"

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

We value your privacy. . . . . yeah, right.

"How dare you liken me to an Evening Standard journalist?"

'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

"Next on the news...could a Russian satellite crash down on your home, pulverizing everything inside?!"

"Forget TV news and put away your phone. It might improve the quality of your hysteria."