Trouser Aficionado Pillows

"No, they're no low-rise. It only looks that way because you're taller than me."

"I decided to go all out on the house decorations this year."

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Eat my dust!"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

"Stick with me baby, and you'll eat slop every day."

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

A rare picture of Henry VIII's divorce lawyer.

'Thanks to the internet, I can telecommute a few days a week now: I don't need to waste so much time travelling...'

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

Thor's Other Tools

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

'170 years old - and they look that age from day one!'

'Calm down darling... now what do you mean the tortoise has gone berserk?'

Brexit Tortoise

'Multiple personality.'

'Anne Boleyn now regrets avoiding that Prenup Chit Chat with King Henry.'

Rainy day despondency phobia: 'Poor George can't stand the pitter-patter of rain on his shell.'

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

Clarence always halved lots of cargo.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'The 20th century wasn't bad, but I preferred the 19th. I'm open minded for the 21st.'

Hang on, don't cross now: I can see a car coming...

Bureaucrat Walking his Pet

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'Oi! We're your nipples you idiot!'

"As cats go, my Bertie's always been a little slow on his feet, but then again, that's a tortoise shell for you!"

Elizabeth I

'Be gentle with me!'

Psychiatrist.

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

"Gale. Dorothy Gale."

Since time immemorial, investors wonder how money in the companies in which they invest is being spent.

"Wow, I've never met an astronomer before."