Toy Therapist Pillows

'I'm giving you a referral to Bobby Smith down the street.'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

Licensed Therapist

Santa Claus's Mail

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Postwar is hell."

"My hackers just collapsed your country's economy."

Couples' therapy

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

"It's hard not to take a mutiny personally."

'Off hand I'd say she needs re-stuffing.'

Slinky Cow World

'I hate Mondays.'

'We have three minutes left.'

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"Well, if you're still awake when the time changes, you'll lose an hour of overthinking everything, too."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

Shrinks in heaven

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

Cats are under tremendous peer pressure to remain useless.

Codepetdency Counseling: "He won't even sit on my lap anymore."

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

"Tell me more about your fear of going bald."