Title Monger T-Shirts

'My agent said that a title like 'The Condition of my Soul in the Face of the Misery on Earth' would sell better than 'Smashed Fly on Canvas'.'

"Tonight! Author book signing." "Develop your inner raging bitch."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

Publisher. "The Laws of Motion " is a little dry for a title, Mr. Newton. How about something catchier like "When Push Comes to Shove"?

"I got my PhD in Nursing just so people would have to call me Doctor."

"...and you call yourself a computational immunotox-pharmacological an-diffracctiion bimolecular therapeutic ononclonal-antibody genomic metabolic-endocrinologist."

'Would you feel less inferior if I made you a Colonel?'

"Stilton's the king, Camembert and chèvre are landed gentry, and cheddars are the serfs, you know."

The End of the World is Nigh - man with placard

"He thinks he learned a new trick - I don't have the heart to tell him it's just an old trick he forgot he knew."

"And these soya beans were engineered using Human DNA."

'Hey! Have you heard the awful news?!'

Best Sellers; Worst Sellers.

"I see you've got a new cheese counter."

'I was just given more responsibility. Now I am not only responsible for corporate mumbo but also for corporate jumbo.'

'According to this list, this list is ranked #4 on the greatest lists of all time.'

'Pss-st, Harley-Davidson is up one-and-a-quarter...pass it on.'

"No, it's great. I'm just saying 'The Gospel of St. Luke' is an ambitious title for a first-time self-publisher."

'Fresh Fish' 'Stand offish'

Big cheese

'We don't like to use the word scapegoat.. we prefer to say you're going to be a Blame Engineer.'

'Actually, I don't see myself as a thought leader, but more of a thought manager."

"With Gloria, it's in one ear and out the mouth."

"Just remember...the share market is cyclical."

"Hi, I'm Dr. Jenkins." "Nice to meet you. I'm Bachelor of Science Johnson."

'What can you recommend for the 'Big Cheese' where I work?'

"I was promoted from customer care executive to senior master customer care executive. That means 12 more letters."

Seriously, why do I call you Dr. Kapuchnik, yet you call me Al? Okay, from now on you call me Al, and I'll call you Dr. Kapuchnik. Will that make you feel better?

Book Club. Tonight "The Catcher in the Rye." What a disappointment! I thought it was going to be about a baseball player opening a deli.

'I love this job because you customers always smile when you place your order!'

Ello Ello Ello.

Vice President in Charge of Block

'Mr Baum, why does your filing cabinet say oz on it?'

'Nice to meet you. Plumber Greg.'

'Not only does the babysitter want more money, she now wants to be referred to as a child-care specialist!'