Tide Commentator Pillows

'The tide goes out along way, doesn't it?'

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"I think we have run out of time..."

'Dear, you can't blame this on global warming...you overcooked the fish.'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Cartoonist thinking'

How Glaciations Begin

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'Oh, come on - If you're gonna mess up my castle, take the whole thing.'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

"It really was a no-brainer, selling drilling rights at the North Pole."

Dispute between Pelosi and Trump

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Tree of Public Opinion.

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

And now, for a rebuttal.

Pundits

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

'The following program contains scenes that may not be appropriate for Neoconservatives.'

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

"And a final note: Perception officially become reality."

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Actually, we will replace you."

The United States of Amazement