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Hamlet: An Early Draft

"For the love of God, is there a doctor in the house?"

Stage Manager: 'Is THERE a BETTER ACTOR in the House?!'

Angry Joseph in school nativity play says to Innkeeper: 'No, we did not book online.'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Pilates of Penzance.

Cat comes home from holiday to find mice in his house watching play.

'One eye of newt or two?'

Luciano Pavarotti.

"Well Sid, I'll tell you why dogs get all the good parts. Dogs have better agents."

'Our house is being staged. Dad says we've got a good shot at getting in - if we can pass the audition.'

The Shakespeares Dine Out.

"The opening night is always a bit special!"

"...Theatre is a nexus of symbols...Very important then, in my view, is a scene with buck naked actors.'

Flop Musicals: Singing in the Crane.

Walter The Sea Monster

"But most of all I'd like to thank the zeitgeist."

Trump! The Musical

Waiting For Godot And The Cable Guy

"So you think you can cobble!"

Opera Singer Looking Out of Place Sitting On The Bar Piano

Soprano loses her teeth.

Concert Hall with entrances for mobiles and coughs.

'Billy Green you know very well that you stand this end!'

'It needs more barrel again, and believe me, I know - I used to be one.'

Horse Play

'You're on Keith. Break a Fin!'

'Can I please have a volunteer from the audience?'

Bernie Winters

You're supposed to simulate it!

"He's the best Elvis impersonator I've seen!"

"I said I knew him - I never said I liked him..."

The village cinema-club was going down a treat with the locals!

"I don't mind the slings and arrows if I can keep the outrageous fortune"

Hamlet throws skull at noisy audience member on phone: 'Sorry about this, Yorick.'