Thanksgiving Traditionist Pillows

"We represent a North Carolina trade association and we'd like to file suit against the Native Americans for introducing our clients to a certain agricultural product."

Grace For Flies

Elfie Stick

"I ask that today is a good day...a day that brings family together...to show how we need one another."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Happy Turkey Day!

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

"'Tis the story of a woeful refugee... ...whose plight has been forgotten. An admirable, amiable sort is he... but boy is he downtrodden. With courage of the kind you rarely see, he defended this land, when Redcoats invaded over land and sea, peck their knees and hands. And how did America repay this debt it owed its forest bird? Did you put our noble visage on the national seal as we would have preferred? No... You ate us. Just like the British did. I really think that it's the least you can do

'As a token of friendship we present to you this sacred albino fawn.' 'We sailed all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, and all you have is light deer?!'

'I put that the pilgrims ate Butterball Turkey, Stove Top Stuffing, and Mrs. Smith's Pie. Think she'll give extra credit for brand names?'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Christmas sweater alternatives

Plymouth Rock

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

The First 3-D Thanksgiving

'The environment people only worry about endangered species, not endangered individuals.'

"It'll never be ready in time."

"Talk about close calls! Harry, tell them about last Thanksgiving!"

"Fulfilling others on Thanksgiving is pretty good advice, wouldn't you say?"

Beauty and the Baste

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

A sardine can combined with a cornucopia.

'Thank you for the turkey, thank you for the dressing, and thank you for the squash, which Mother cleverly refers to as pumpkin pie.'

Thanksgiving Feast. Get lots of turkey, but not too much of you'll have to take a pause at the nap box. I'm skipping the cranberries and going for the green beans and the potatoes. I'm at the stuffing now and getting bonus points for extra gravy! Hey! There's a shortcut through the corn, straight to the pumpkin pie! I win! Not so fast. You missed the most important spot where you give thanks for your family and friends. Oh, you're right. It's okay that I didn't win. I'll get you tomor

"...and most of all, thank you for pre-cooked holiday meals from the supermarket!"

'Leave it to the school system to turn an enjoyable meal into an historical event.'

"Room for bigger presents."

Before and After Holiday Diet

A football player catching a turkey

I heard a rumor that he's going to deliver presents using drones this year! I hope not! Drone technology is far less reliable than Rudolph and the other reindeer! And besides, Christmas eve won't be the same if the sound of sleigh bells is replaced by the buzzing of a drone! My big brother said if I don't make his bed for him every day, he'll hack into Santa's database and put me on the "naughty" list. I've never trusted his computer system. And e-mail. I ask for presents with a hard-copy

Gramps shows the kids HIS favorite stuffed animal.

"Something that makes me look unfit for human consumption."

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.