Texture Critic Gifts

"It's what you asked for. Orange juice with pulp."

You're my Mona Lisa.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

"States of tofu"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

Use your imagination.

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Well....I could've done this!"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Personally, I'm a doer."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

Cat with Nine Still Lives

'Projectile painting.'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'Wow...Your work is amazing!'

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

Statue of Liberty with satellite dish and laptop spying on the World.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

Framed Lady

A Footnote - Self Portrait of Beardsley, Bound to the God of Nature

"It said this 'Spilt Coffee' series afforded her a lifetime of lattes."

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Nice, but it needs more angst.'

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."