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Showbiz Awards

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

Big screen TV falling through floor

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"The end of my favorite series is near."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

'Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises...what the hell is on your TV that's so special?'

It's only a remote, dear...if you want better programs you will need a wand.

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

'Dear, you're not supposed to take it seriously...it's a reality show!'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

The cradle of mankind

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Triceratops watching television with satellite dish made from own horns.

"It's hard being a TV viewer trapped in the body of a student."

"It's General Douglas MacArthur."

"Is anything good on?"