Tax Return Virtuoso Gifts

"Head of household? Now, who would that be?"

IRS Audit Section

'Don't worry! Since 28% of my salary goes to the government, I've decided to work 72% of the time!'

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

"Amazing deduction, Holmes!"

"You inherited an extra toe from your father and didn't pay the inheritance tax on it."

"These are all my financial papers - with the exception of the codes to my secret Swiss bank accounts, of course."

I've managed to get your tax bill down to zero, this year ... however, my bill is $10 million.

Look at it this way, you didn't have to pay all that money in tax, you'd go out and spend it anyway!

'I'm here about the tax credits for business equipment which you listed in your return as 'Betty', 'Mabel', 'Liz'...'

IRS agent to lady: 'Your refund was delayed because of shredded paperwork ... but we're putting it all together with red tape.'

"You wouldn't dare say that to me if my accountant were here."

People being buried under enormous falling tax credit forms.

"We invested everything we had in our marriage."

"My bill isn't terribly controversial. It would provide modest tax breaks for people who don't really need them."

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

"Oh boy, am I never glad to see you."

"Actually, Mr. Johnson, there's a big difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion."

"Sorry for keeping you sweating, I'm putting you through now."

"Let's make a deal. . . I won't audit you in exchange for a discount on one of your Warhols."

And why are you enrolling in an accounting course? Well, one day...I hope to get a loophole named after me.

It's 10 pm. Do you know where your tax loopholes are?

'We invested everything we had in our marriage.'

"Yes, a lot of peple say that I remind them of Christopher Lee"

'Please enter the amount owed here...use an extra sheet of paper if required.'

'I see here you're a professional writer. That explains the touch of whimsy in your return.'

"Don't forget to say thank you, Malcolm."

"I'll be with you in a minute, sir - Just have a seat and don't make any funny moves."

'Everything I hide from the IRS I do it for the children.'

'if I didn't know those guys were public servants, I could swear it was the other way around.'

IRS, 'Here's your refund, sir, minus postage and handling.'

"Honest Abe, huh? Your tax returns tell a different story."

"May I keep this to hang up on my wall? It's a real doozy."

Remember, Art, statistics, credits and debits are in the eye of the manipulator.