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Late Night with Patrick O'Brian

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

Can't Touch This

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

Letterman Show: 'He's always been at my side...the one consonant in my life...'

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

Rudy Park Enterprises regrets to announce the end to a brief experiment aimed at combining the popular and irrepressible talk show phenomenon Sadie Cohen with a background beat of powerful and thrilling house music. In fact, our ratings soared during our experiment. Revenue shot up 17.5 percent. Advertisers loved it. Our decision to cancel the experiment in no way reflects any error of management. Rather, it was a raging success reflective of our forward thinking management. In the end, though,

Do you go for Hannity or O'Reilly? Tough call. O'Reilly's presence is so big, fearless. Whereas Hannity has a wicked fast tongue and such inner strength. As symbolized externally by his jawline. O'Reilly is so tall. Something strange is happening. Coulter's a bit masculine for my tastes. Ditto. HOJ.

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

Night Life: L.A.

Men discussing a book on a chat show

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

'The way I see it, with all the talk shows out there, nobody needs a wife!'

Talkshow Scheduling Dept. I scheduled a guest how a book advocating a strong military position. You booked a hawk who's hawking a book!

"Well I think the Real question is..."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

Jerry Springer

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. I'll tell you how to fix your hopeless relationship or cope with all the people at work who really are better than you. Then I'll berate you for not manning up and dealing with it on your own instead of bugging me about it! Los Angeles, CA, you're on. What's your problem? Click.