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Showbiz Awards

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

Big screen TV falling through floor

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"The end of my favorite series is near."

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises...what the hell is on your TV that's so special?'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"