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"It occurred to me that there's no rule against having mutant telekinetic powers and pepper spray."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Support the Ex-Troops

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Torturing the English Language

Pretty Flowers

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

The height of fashion in 1796

reincarnated worm...

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

Our Two Parties, Explained

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

Meat Grinder

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

The americanisation of vulture.

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Critisize your weight.