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'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

A child interrupting family prayers

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"...and in conclusion..."

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"