Sunday Service Sailor T-Shirts

The Church-Going Bell.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Wood Stain and Sun Tan Lotion

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"May I put you on hold? I was on another line."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

A child interrupting family prayers

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"...and in conclusion..."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Sermon Applause.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

A large yacht carries a small wood house.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'