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'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

"I wanted a Meticulous Monday or a Thorough Thursday report. This reads more like a Frivolous Friday."

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

Improve your leaping ability or your money back.

'You know when kids are good or bad? Are you with NSA?'

'Sunday in the park'

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'

"A plague of frogs? Awesome!"

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

'Buddy, I'll get stinking rich... yesterday, I took out an insurance against pneumonia!'

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

Large Print Book

'You wish, Timmy.'

They're short of staff!

'I'm just spending the morning in bed with the Sunday funnies.'

'... and then Peter was Mr. McGregor...'

"They came to give us policy advice!"

"I don't get it. I've prayed to God to get rich just like the televangelist told me. but nothing happened."

"You almost done with the funnies?"

Atomic Bear: Part 30

"We're insectivores. Spiders are arachnids. We don't eat them, and that's that."

'I didn't know you could read upside down, Cyril?!'

The best place for a dartboard is not beside an open window.

Evaluating the humorousness of cartoons.

"This book can't be very sophisticated...I understood it right away."

Silly me: I'm holding my book the right way up...

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

"I know it's my turn, but please continue."

'Bloody hell, Jack and Jill! Can't you do a simple thing like fetch a pail of water without getting stoned?'

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

'You're hired. Can you start 3 years from today?'