Stock Market Wizard Pillows

'What do you have for an underperforming portfolio?'

'How do you become a day trading millionaire? Easy, just start out as a day trading billionaire.'

"Actually, I'm all out of gold, but I could give you some stock."

'Oh, just sitting around, waiting for the next computer generated trading bubble to burst, sending the market into death spiral.'

"I just can't seem to get ahead in the market."

"Don't worry, we research all our 'buy' recommendations."

"Since he was laid off in the city he's front traded our allotment vegetables, set up a derivatives market in school luncheon vouchers and bankrupted the piggy bank."

Man ironing out a line graph.

'Thanks for coming in at such short notice, I don't believe you've met Ms. Stapleton...our grief counsellor.'

'Hang on, have we got this right?'

Bank Stress Test

'Eddie, your portfolio is sluggish, so I'm putting you into energy stocks!'

My oil stocks tanked, my REITS were in a rout, my pork bellies went belly up.

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

'Why have you taken 50% of my investment?'

'Come in, come in, we're eager to hear your market predictions!'

'I can't get used to not caring when the market's down.'

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Wavering between being bullish or bearish'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"That new drug causes flatulence."

'The Fed decided today not to raise or lower interest rates, but instead just moved them sideways a little.'

Smiling businessman with rising profits

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

Chinese stock market

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'All right, gentlemen, this is the current picture of our growth industry!'

Man breaks piggy bank to find another smaller piggy bank inside.

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'Twenty percent bluechips, ten percent small-caps, five percent currency hedges and the remainder in cash. Get that list to Santa right away.'