Stepfamily Comedian Pillows

"My kid from my first marriage? I thought he was YOUR kid from your first marriage."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'I'm just going to say my prayers. Any requests?'

"Mom! Kathy's feeding her liver to the dog! Want to see the video?"