Statistically Savvy Voter Gifts

'The trouble with politicians? One is a dummy, one is a jerk! By the time you figure out which is which the election is over and they've won!'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'Can you fetch all of these but leave these others alone?'

'Ferguson here will explain the 'worst case scenario' of Social Security Privatization.'

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"He sounds authentic. That gets my vote."

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

The Election Strategy

The Guardian: Portland Republican says party should use militia groups after racial attack

Afghanistan intervention.

Vote for Brown

Vote Grinkley! Now you see him, now you don't.

'I know I was just here yesterday, but the courts ordered a recount.'

Woke and wonderful

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

"I'm undecided, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic or uninformed."

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

"And you know, realistically, it's much safer than driving."

President Obama's gun violence proposal and the NRA proposal.

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

"Brilliant Angela, that will get them out to vote."

Can you feel the excitement building? The election is more than a month off. Nonsense!! It's not more than a month off? Yes, technically, in the sense that time is ordinarily measured. But it's so close I can taste it. You can taste the general election? Like chocolate mousse! The season of the political junkie is upon us.

'...And now the award for best performance by a politician trying to improve his or her poll numbers...'

'How would Jesus register?'

'If we are going to vote on everything, why do we need a legislator?'

'I promise to be the first politician to slow global warming by reducing the hot air coming out of Washigton!'

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'