Stand-up Shows T-Shirts

'Why do they always pick on me...?'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

Snowprov

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Theatre Crowd

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."