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'Why do they always pick on me...?'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

Theatre Crowd

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Jim Carrey,