Stage Showman Pillows

Elvis

'I know you've seen a lady sawn in half before...but lengthways?'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Pirate

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Billy, can you deliver your show 'n tell this time without the fog machine?

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'Wow, Jimmy, that's pretty good!'

Theatre Crowd

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Karataoke

Freddie Mercury

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

Tina Turner

Ralph Rackstraw HMS Pinafore

Magic Tricks

Jeff Beck.

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Midsummer Night's Dream

Music Hall Dancers

'I'm sure I could lie on my back waving my feet in the air if I could play the saxophone.'

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

'And the Dance Scholarship goes to...'

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'When Johhny told everyone he was going to be a comedian they all laughed...'

Robbie Williams

"Is Madonna amazing or what? She sings, dances, and acts, and now it turns out she's a writer, too."

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."