Staff Satisfaction Analyst Pillows

"Don't distress yourself, when I said he was on our critical list, I just meant that he's been critical about the food, the staff, and everything else!"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Multi-tasking.

'These are job perks.'

"The president demands that staff take responsibility for failures, and the multi-trillion deficit is down to YOU!"

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The ultimate sign of success is when no one puts you on hold.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Busy office.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

Brainstorm in progress.

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

The role of administration.

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'I find my job interesting because even after 27 years, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing here!'

"I've divided my workday into nine manageable segment that are each followed by a brief period of pessimism and regret."

'Brains...brains...brains...'

Sales.

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

'Look Jefferson, much as I respect your emphasis of the informal approach...'

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

Not much money, glory, or praise

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

'At this juncture in my presentation, I'd like to dispense with the illusion of coherence.'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"I'm glad you felt able to get that off your chest...now could we discuss next year's targets?"

Around here it got a little tricky...

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'And Steven here takes care of the donkey work.'