Spreadsheet Superstar T-Shirts

'And this I take it is the bookkeeping department.'

I think we've got the numbers right we just don't know which ones to use... Or what order to put them in.

'There are few moments in business more exciting than the quarterly placing of the decimal point.'

Accountancy ice-breakers.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Having conducted a comprehensive analysis of dozens of subsets of data from a wide range of sources which confirmed that the likely answer is 36....now we just need to identify the question!"

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Project Manager Showdown

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

Do you want this set of books, or the set you keep in the broom cupboard?

"Hmm.... now I hadn't noticed THAT before..."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers