Sports Satire Buffs Pillows

"Today, shocking news when it was revealed that the World Staring Champion has tested positive for Stare-Roids!"

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

'Let's go over our secret play.'

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Glenn Hoddle

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

Loser's Podium.

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

Why are you dressed like a British lawyer? The term is barrister, but it doesn't surprise me you don't know that. In fact, it helps me make the case I'm here to prove today: That you're a meathead because you suffered concussions playing football. That's ridiculous. Hold on! Let your counsel represent you. I want to be fair. Counsel? Never mind. He seems to have no comment.

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

The Washington Arbitrators

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'Because I CAN'T follow my dreams, dummy!'

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

Free Speech has heavy price.

"Just to set the record straight, I'm leaving you because you never turn your body to the net, you don't have a smooth swing, and because your forehand, backhand, and volley are inadequate!"

Organically Grown Athlete - Guaranteed free of chemicals.

'... and I almost want to thank my pharmacist.'

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

'Good morning, class. I am Mr. Penny and will be your coach today. I expect you to behave - no running and jumping!'

"..common sense has prevailed, Michael Owen's agent has let the referee off with just a severe warning."

"In this situation, I'd suggest a 5-word sentence with an action verb but hold the exclamation mark."

'Well, here's your answer, Schluman. How can I possible promote you to district sales manager if you can't even palm a basketball?'

"We must prepare for the threat of China laying claim to Raducanu."

Group showers. Just one of the reasons few golfers take up football.