Sports Officiating Prints

'How come I get two yellow cards?' - 'One for the foul and one for the instant reply.'

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

'I still say making correct decisions would be a better way of preventing crowd abuse, Arthur.'

'...60, 80 - whoa! - a hundred bucks! Okaaaay, you've got 20 minutes.'

Deathbed Conversion

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Egyptian Football

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

"Penny's still having issues grasping 'icing the puck,' but she nailed 'offsides' and 'too many men' today!"

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

Pole Vault Rules

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.