Sports Officiating Pillows

'How come I get two yellow cards?' - 'One for the foul and one for the instant reply.'

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

'I still say making correct decisions would be a better way of preventing crowd abuse, Arthur.'

'...60, 80 - whoa! - a hundred bucks! Okaaaay, you've got 20 minutes.'

Deathbed Conversion

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"Penny's still having issues grasping 'icing the puck,' but she nailed 'offsides' and 'too many men' today!"

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

Egyptian Football

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'