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'Even if everyone does say you're blind, sir, I still have to examine you myself.'

'Ssssssh! There it is again. Hear that? It sounds like a muffled scream.'

'It looks they are enforcing the three strikes law!'

'Don't rush me! I need some time to process everything.'

'Wimbledon - The British weather is causing ever more contentious line-calls.'

Sprint race about to start. One contestant wearing a rocket attached to his back. The fuse is lit ready to help him win the race.

Pole Vault (Man running up with a ladder).

'There really is no need for confusion. Rule 10, section 5, article a, subsection 3, exception 4 quite clearly states ... '

Umpires filing trays marked 'safe' and 'out'.

'We're in luck! Not a word about steroids.'

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

Refereeing Stages.

'Nothing worse than a fussy ref!' (Football referee matching cards with colour chart).

Finish line extended 20 miles.

'He's giving me a two minute whining.'

"The Hare's demanding a dope test !"

Brian fails a random rug test!

'OK, Doug, don't tell Bill because he'll fire me, but everything a foot in front of my face is a blur.'

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

Free kick to us...er I mean, to Rovers.

'But ref, he head-butted my boot.'

'We're in luck. Not a word about steroids.'

'Break.'

'... and no hitting below the belt like this...'

'Get up, you're not that bad.'

'There's nothing in the rules about gloves.'

'The throw I mean the throw wasn't straight.'

'Did you know Geoffrey was once a tennis umpire?'

The Awkward Bounce!!!

"Of course it's nothing to do with match rigging. I thought it was woodworm."

Disabled boxers in ring with ramps.

'It's impossible to dive off one of these.'

Because the bowler had his back turned the umpire couldn't be sure the ball was being tampered with.

'He supports 3 strikes and you're out.'

'So, Henry. Just exactly how 'controversial' was that call you made in tonight's game?'