Speech Events Pillows

"And lastly, I'd just like to say a big '*&$@' you to Mrs. Peters, my fourth grade teacher."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

They're Not Just That Into It

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"Anna - there's someone I'd like to meet."

"As this is a civil ceremony, I'd rather you took the vows without swearing."

Trappist Monk Discord

"I am so attracted to you right now."

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

We need a Europe of U-turns.

Green Balloon

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

All dressed up and no place to go

'In hindsight, we should have spent more on marketing than entertainment.'

'We're the first film ever in HD 3-D DOUBLE D!'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

'Is this a party, a cheese and wine do, a cocktail party, a soiree or just another of your old cronies get-togethers?'

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

The Epsom Derby - The Finishing Line

"Phil's an expert networker. One drink and he's on schmooze-control."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

Cupcake jumps out of cake.

"I get the strange feeling this has happened before."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.