Sous-chef Of Spreadsheets Gifts

Cooking the books

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip!'"

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

'There he goes, the bravest M&A knight that our kingdom has ever known.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

Project Manager Showdown

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

Accounting: Desk trays - 'Accounts receivable' and 'Accounts deceivable'.

'Wish you would've warned me about this. I hate getting ambushed.'

Kate had originally been very enthusiastic to prepare the annual global audit plan.

'We're projecting a profit, but not within our lifetimes.'

"Larry's made new friends learning to cook. He knows everyone at the Recipe Emergency Hotline."

'I think we should budget on the number of budgets we draw up'

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

We're looking at a six figure return. Unfortunately, they're all zeros.

'And this I take it is the bookkeeping department.'

Accountant's Awards - "Our next award is for 'Tax Loophole of the Year'..."

"They say you're a miracle worker, so I'm wondering if you could part my sea of red ink?"

'Too much spice?'

'Getting above yourself for a short order cook, aren't you?'

"Don't worry, sir. There's plenty of time to recover if there's a fifth quarter this year."

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

"We'll never have to fold fitted sheets again."