Social Media Wizard Gifts

"Well, you're the least experienced candidate, but you're the only one who understands social media. Congratulations, the job is yours."

Face It, Facebook Has Us Where Mark Zuckerberg Wants Us

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"Of course, it is difficult living your life in the public eye."

"We got him a phone, computer and his own social media page. That should keep him distracted for a long time."

Online Dating

Victorian Selfie

"Ugh—someone in the group chat must have seen a squirrel."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

All the apps hidden within a phone

"#BeCurious"

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Traffic Management Strategic Group

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

"He has the tweeting skills of a man twice his age."

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

"Eye of Newt, wing of bat, let's instagram it!"

Sports Radio in Crisis

If Watergate Happened Now the Press Would Be Too Busy Reporting on Tweets

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

Like.

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

"Now the first thing you have to do is to get a client's attention."

"Miss. Wilcox, get me the coast."

"Wouldn't it have been easier just to tweet those?"

"How'd I find you? I followed you on Twitter."

"Emojis fail me."

"I can't tell if these are vacation pictures or influencer shots." "Is there really a difference?"

Yeah, I do the same thing – sniff their posts but never contribute. Dog lurkers.

Pole vaulter uses his pole as a selfie stick while he gets ready to jump.