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Showbiz Awards

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

T. S. Eliot Meets Beavis And Butthead

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Music Hall Dancers

Cleaner cleaning under the feet of the dancers as they perform

"BBC One’s Casualty has reached its 1000th episode. The long-running hospital drama is apparently very popular with viewers... But even more popular among jobbing actors."

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

Leo McKern

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

"I'm so looking forward to the weekend, there's a show on: We're going to be pampered and they'll put lovely ribbons in our manes..."

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

'Man, I'm age 21 now and so far, I haven't done anything important. Things can't go on like this or I will have to forget my plan to become rich and famous by writing my autobiography at age 35!'

"Grandma's TV is so old it wasn't made in a foreign country."

"You can stop any time, sir. I've already told you I'm not wearing a body camera!"

"There's no business deductions like show business deductions."

West End Shows closing - box office piled high with boxes.

'Get Doc Weston and Tell him I have a fever and to come over quick. We have a show to do tonight.' The talking dog goes over to the doctor's house and simply says 'woof'.

"Looks like Broadway's back."

"Alright be cool. We're just gonna ask for an autograph and be on our way."

As Seen On TV

"You may now phony show-biz kiss the bride."