Simile Creator Pillows

"He was a big man, but he moved like a cat."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Multi-Tasking

"I didn't say my dog ate my homework. I said Russian bots ate my homework."

"The only problem with living at the top of a mountain is the constant stream of people coming to ask stupid questions."

Sistine Selfie

Leonardo Da Vinci paints a selfie

The First Sentence Fragment: 'Hey, don't -'

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

"So, have you two fallen out again?"

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

'I hate it when I have to talk on my phone.'

"Should we take pics of our feed for Instagram?"

American Gothic Selfie

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

Witch in drugstore: They're endangered now, so I need a newt substitute.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

Hall of Fake Presidents

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'Tweet me when I'm flagged...hashtag 'drunk'.'

"It's a battle of wills - I'm refusing to do anything for his 'funny cat videos' web page."

"Don't repeat this."

"About these experiements of yours into genetic cloning, Bond" boomed the Headmaster, "They must cease immediately"

Social Media Blues

"Just wait until you read my tweets."

"If it's any consolation, the video went viral."

'Once you're done photographing me, would you please turn the camera on yourself? I always post photos of my food online.'

"I love binge watching streamed content."

"...lettuce pray."

'What are you doing whining to me about your terrible childhood? Write it all down, you idiot. You've got a bestseller there.'